Movie Review: Treasure of the Moon Goddess (1987)

Treasure of the Moon Goddess (1987) - USA/Mexico - Action/Adventure - R

Directed by José Luis García Agraz

Starring Don Calfa, Linnea Quigley, Asher Brauner, Joann Ayers, Danny Addis, Enrique Lucero, Eric Weston

A mostly entertaining and at times funny low budget Indiana Jones-esque movie that could have been better.

Lu looks to her manager Harold to get her singing career off to a good start. Harold, though, doesn't seem to understand the word 'good', or have much business sense as a manager and has her performing in cantinas in Central America that make dives seem upscale by comparison. A small time crime boss and modern pirates have an unusual interest in Lu as they try to kidnap her. Teaming up with a boat owner and his girlfriend they run from and/or dodge various dangers and adversaries in the jungle.

Of course the poster art for this movie is misleading. Any Indiana Jones clone outside of the actually Indiana Jones movies does not come anywhere close to the poster art. I have seen several clones in an attempt to find something else close to as entertaining as Indiana Jones, and this is one of the better attempts, and that's still not saying a lot.

There are several problems with the film which take it down a notch or two, and right up front is the fact that here is an R-rated movie with Linnea Quigley and Joann Ayers running around the jungle in tank tops or skimpier clothes and not one of them even loses their top; calling this R-rated is ridiculous. The editing is choppy in places and fight choreography is near non-existent. And yes, the plot is incredibly silly.

Those problems aside, the movie does work. It doesn't take itself seriously. Don Calfa as Harold also is the narrator of the story, which I can only presume exists as a way to tie up loose ends in continuity and for filler. Don Calfa is the primary source of comedy in the movie, though Linnea Quigley does her fair share of adding to it. If editing had been tighter, and some other sloppiness cleaned up, this could have been pretty good, but as it is, it is just mediocre but still entertaining so long as you keep in mind that it is a low budget Indiana Jones knockoff and don't expect too much.

My Rating: 3 Fingers

This movie is only available on VHS though I did find it on YouTube. Keep in mind that being it is only available on VHS means that any online copies you find to download were ripped from a VHS copy and are not going to look very good on anything bigger than a laptop screen.

Toxic Fletch

Movie Review: Creepozoids (1987)

Creepozoids (1987) - USA - Horror SciFi - Rated R

Directed by David DeCoteau

Starring Linnea Quigley, Ken Abraham, Michael Aranda, Richard Hawkins, Ashlyn Gere (as Kim McKamy), Joi Wilson

If the characters in this post-apocalyptic movie are mankind's only chance of survival...we are all doomed!

In the future, 1998 to be exact, after nuclear war has left the earth a devastated wasteland, war still goes on. A group of deserters seeking shelter from caustic acid rain break into an abandoned building. Inside they find food, beds, running water and electricity. Though they are seemingly setup for comforts they haven't seen in years, something is in there with them, something the builders of this complex didn't want to get out.

I have tried to distill the plot from the movie and the prelude provided in the opening credits, as they differ wildly. In the prelude the earth is a blackened husk with bands of mutant nomads and survivors seeking shelter from the acid rains. In the movie, the government is intact as is the communications network of satellite uplinks, and the band of survivors are actually deserters from an unspecified war.

The 5 deserters seeking to find shelter from the approaching acid rainstorm find an abandoned building. Up front they are cautious, but finding no immediate threats they find food, explore the working computer, and shower. It doesn't take long until one of them encounters a monster with huge tusks, but nothing seemingly happens to him until the next morning at breakfast in a scene obviously inspired by the chest-burster scene in Alien, but lacking any chest bursting.

The members of the group have a clue something might be wrong. I point this out as this group is pretty clueless. The monster is often referred to as intelligent by them, but I'm afraid a 5 year old could outsmart this group. Seriously, when cornered by the monster and holding a gun it makes more sense for them to scream until the monster gets them rather than use the gun.

I had hope for this movie as initially it starts off to be pretty interesting, and even has a geek element of an old 80s computer getting lots of screen time. Unfortunately it devolves, and after the midway point it devolves quickly, to the point you're rooting for the monster if for no other reason than to prevent the characters in this movie from ever breeding.

Despite having both Linnea Quigley and Ashlyn Gere in this movie, there is only one short shower scene. So don't get your hopes up with the highly misleading poster art, the sleaze just is not there.

My Rating: 2 Fingers. It's disappointing as it started off okay and looked promising having a shower scene with Linnea Quigley, but there could have been so much more and there wasn't.

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Movie Review: The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

The Return of the Living Dead (1985) - USA - Horror Comedy - Rated R

Directed by Dan O'Bannon

Stars Clu Gulager, James Karen, Thom Mathews, Beverly Randolph, Don Calfa, Linnea Quigley, Miguel A. Núñez Jr., Brian Peck, John Philbin, Jewel Shepard, Mark Venturini

The zombie horror comedy that dares to ask "Do you want to party" and the answer is a resounding "Yes!"

Preparing for the July the 4th weekend, two employees of a medical supply warehouse located next to a cemetery are finishing up for the day when they accidentally release a chemical that brings the dead back to life while a group of punk rockers are hanging out in the cemetery waiting for their friend to get off work at the warehouse. From half-dogs and cadavers in the warehouse to the dead in their grave in the cemetery, everything that was dead comes to life in search of brains. Things will be rocking in the graveyard tonight.

Picking up from the Living Dead franchise of films starting with a John Russo story, Dan O'Bannon takes it in a different direction. Not wanting to intrude on Romero's work, he instead aims for the jugular with a black comedy which treats the original Night of the Living Dead as a movie, but based on an actual incident covered up by the U.S. military. That incident accidentally leads to this particular night.

The Return of the Living Dead is a smart and funny movie. Not everything is treated for laughs as the characters have a seriousness to them about their situation. Where the humor comes from is in dealing with unusual situations such as trying to remove a zombie's head and finding that doesn't kill it, taking vitals on someone exposed to the chemical and finding their body temperature is room temperature, among others. And yes, there are some intentionally comical moments such as a zombie getting on the paramedics' radio after munching on them and requesting more paramedics.

Where The Return of the Living Dead took a u-turn at the usual horror movie formula of slowly developing a story, probably for lack of a story in many, and dragging it along until something eventually happens was by jumping straight into the developing story. It takes several minutes before we even see a title and screen credits as the movie introduces likable characters in two different scenes, then introduces the situation, the releasing of the chemical, that will propel the movie forward. It does not take a moment for a breather as the story is fun, the editing is tight, and it is filled with a soundtrack of its own theme music infused with punk rock that keeps up the tempo and is fun in its own right.

Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it, Linnea Quigley is naked throughout most of the movie. This is not a complaint. I repeat, this is not a complaint! ;)

My Rating: 5 Fingers! A fun and funny movie from beginning to end. Not only did it inspire several sequels in its own right, it also inspired many movies yet to come and has earned its place as a classic.

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